Do you want to hear a dirty joke? “A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
That joke reminds me that every year I'm getting older. A new year. In one year, and out the other. I broke my first New Year resolution before the year even begun. I said I wasn’t going to go out. I said I was going to stay in and have a cozy evening at home. I figured I’d be a grown up at the beginning of the New Year and not stumble the streets drunk at midnight and kiss some stranger I just met before the clock banged midnight. Around nine in the evening I decided to have one cocktail. I told myself it would make my “True blood” marathon more interesting. Around eleven in the evening I told myself I would just head to the local bar and have a drink. I didn’t want to be alone. Around midnight I was tongue kissing some guy I just met before the clock banged a new year. I told myself maybe he was the one. Around two in the morning, I found the next “one” in the men’s bathroom. Around five in the morning, I was stumbling home drunk hoping I wouldn’t pass out in the snow.
That joke reminds me that every year I'm getting older. A new year. In one year, and out the other. I broke my first New Year resolution before the year even begun. I said I wasn’t going to go out. I said I was going to stay in and have a cozy evening at home. I figured I’d be a grown up at the beginning of the New Year and not stumble the streets drunk at midnight and kiss some stranger I just met before the clock banged midnight. Around nine in the evening I decided to have one cocktail. I told myself it would make my “True blood” marathon more interesting. Around eleven in the evening I told myself I would just head to the local bar and have a drink. I didn’t want to be alone. Around midnight I was tongue kissing some guy I just met before the clock banged a new year. I told myself maybe he was the one. Around two in the morning, I found the next “one” in the men’s bathroom. Around five in the morning, I was stumbling home drunk hoping I wouldn’t pass out in the snow.
So it begins. The New Year. I’m going to change this year I tell myself. I am going to finally lose those ten pounds I gained back in the 90s. I was going to give up smoking, drink less and maybe make it to church. I wasn’t going to cruise the sex websites anymore, get a faithful relationship, get out of debt and then I laughed. The fat kid always wants to give up cake. The crack head always want to charge more for a dick sucking. The aging stripper is still going to get that college degree to start her a new life. Maybe if we accept who and what we are, we can really begin a new year. I decided this year, to say fuck it. Let it suck my dick. Get off and never call 2009 back.
These are ten New Year resolutions I know anyone can keep:
10. Gain more weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. Eat like you’re Oprah Winfrey on a binger.
9. Read less and watch more television. Don’t learn nothing.
8. Curse somebody out for the hell of it, maybe that asshole neighbor who keeps letting his dog shit in your yard.
7. Procrastinate more.
6. Go into more debt. Buy that expensive television you can’t afford on credit and don’t pay the bill.
5. Drink. Drink some more. Have a black out.
4. Don’t give shit to charity. Turn the channel when those poor looking kids start begging for money. Give every homeless person you see on the streets the finger.
3. Tell more lies. Get creative like you’re Beyonce cousin and she owes you money.
2. Cheat on your lover but remember to bring home flowers for the guilt.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe kleptomania!
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