Workout in Jail

Part of my WTF files.

WTF

Part of my what the fuck file.

You don't have to go home, but please get the hell out of the city.

Friday was the coldest day in DC. It was like 8 degrees but felt like it was minus 8 degrees with the wind. Of all days, around seven in the evening the power in my apartment went out. I called Pepco and was informed that power wouldn’t be restored until 3 in the morning the next day. All the people rushing to the city overloaded the power grids. I was pissed. I had to leave my apartment and go to a friend’s house for warmth.

Saturday I was at a club party and the power went out again. Somebody took that as a signed to hit some guy over the head with a beer bottle. The lights came back on and the poor guy lied on the floor with blood rushing out of his head. Needless to say, the party was over when the cops came and shut it down.

Sunday I slept.

Monday I got drunk.

Tuesday I woke up, still a little hung-over and contemplated to brave the 14 degree weather and go be amongst the millions. I looked up how I was to get there, I knew I needed to walk, but when I was watching the news the guy said that 99 percent of the people wouldn’t even see the president but will have to watch the big screen television placed all over the city. I figured I had a nice 32 inch television in my warm apartment, I could watch TV at home. So I decided to just stay home.

After the swearing in, I watched as the crowd quickly exited away from the Capitol. I figured the weather had gotten better so I could go get a little feeling of the excitement and hopefully get close to the parade.

First, my entire block was blocked off by like 400 police officers. I live like a thirty minute walk to the White House. I was going to have to walk nine blocks away from my apartment and like 10 blocks back towards Pennsylvania Ave. That took about an hour and half. It would’ve normally taken me like twenty minutes. The crowd was still massive. It was more like an out of control Obama flea market. I mean people were selling all kind of crap. I saw the dolls, t-shirts, toilet paper, books, children singing, DVDs, Cds, jeans, sweatshirts, furniture, it was crazy. I got close to the parade but because it took so long getting a good spot, I missed it. I only got to see all the crazy people. I walked home pissed. DC metro closed the stop I usually get off to go home. I had to walk like two hours to get home. I had to show ID to let the officers know I lived on my street. I was happy to finally be home.

I must admit, being in DC was amazing. It was also annoying. The millions of people in the streets so damn happy was heart warming. There was no sign of upheavals. It was very peaceful. I was like all those black people and no drama was phenomenal. I felt kindred toward my neighbors. I smiled at strangers which in DC I never do. It truly was a day of peace. And then I was over it. I was ready for all the people to go home. I was ready for the police to get off my street scaring away my weed dealer. I was ready to begin a new day with a new President. I think to myself, it’s amazing that the President of the United States is black. I mean, it’s mind blowing. I thought of my nieces and nephews who will grow up that a black in the highest office in the world is normal. It makes me want to be better. I hope the world will be better. I’m sure things will turn around. I would consider myself an extremely cautious and pessimistic person, but I truly have Hope in this country right now.

Latrika and Jamal

I honestly never wanted two indian kids I didn't know to get together as bad as I did in this movie. The movie is simply awesome. I mean filmmaking and storytelling at its best. I don't normally endorse anything but Grey Goose and Barcard and my local weed dealer, but I swear Slumdog Millionaire makes you think anything is possible in the world. Well, at least if it's written.

Daily Dirty Joke

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes_1.asp

2009 Contract

My Wish for You in 2009

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words . . . May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!

Love and kindness are the things we can share with all of mankind and bring a smile to the faces of all.

By annoymous

Ten New Year Resolutions you can keep

Do you want to hear a dirty joke? “A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

That joke reminds me that every year I'm getting older. A new year. In one year, and out the other. I broke my first New Year resolution before the year even begun. I said I wasn’t going to go out. I said I was going to stay in and have a cozy evening at home. I figured I’d be a grown up at the beginning of the New Year and not stumble the streets drunk at midnight and kiss some stranger I just met before the clock banged midnight. Around nine in the evening I decided to have one cocktail. I told myself it would make my “True blood” marathon more interesting. Around eleven in the evening I told myself I would just head to the local bar and have a drink. I didn’t want to be alone. Around midnight I was tongue kissing some guy I just met before the clock banged a new year. I told myself maybe he was the one. Around two in the morning, I found the next “one” in the men’s bathroom. Around five in the morning, I was stumbling home drunk hoping I wouldn’t pass out in the snow.

So it begins. The New Year. I’m going to change this year I tell myself. I am going to finally lose those ten pounds I gained back in the 90s. I was going to give up smoking, drink less and maybe make it to church. I wasn’t going to cruise the sex websites anymore, get a faithful relationship, get out of debt and then I laughed. The fat kid always wants to give up cake. The crack head always want to charge more for a dick sucking. The aging stripper is still going to get that college degree to start her a new life. Maybe if we accept who and what we are, we can really begin a new year. I decided this year, to say fuck it. Let it suck my dick. Get off and never call 2009 back.

These are ten New Year resolutions I know anyone can keep:

10. Gain more weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. Eat like you’re Oprah Winfrey on a binger.

9. Read less and watch more television. Don’t learn nothing.

8. Curse somebody out for the hell of it, maybe that asshole neighbor who keeps letting his dog shit in your yard.

7. Procrastinate more.

6. Go into more debt. Buy that expensive television you can’t afford on credit and don’t pay the bill.

5. Drink. Drink some more. Have a black out.

4. Don’t give shit to charity. Turn the channel when those poor looking kids start begging for money. Give every homeless person you see on the streets the finger.

3. Tell more lies. Get creative like you’re Beyonce cousin and she owes you money.

2. Cheat on your lover but remember to bring home flowers for the guilt.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe kleptomania!