My dick is like Tiger Woods.

“I figured if I lived to be 50 years old, I would’ve jacked off twenty five thousand times. I am 33 years old now and married. You do the math.”

Morning shower. Rushing. Ten minutes to get dress and get to work. Partner decided to stay in cuz he supposedly had a headache. I was pissed cuz it messed up my schedule. We had a thirty minute break from each other in the morning. He left at 8 and me at 8:30 a.m. I used that time to jack off to the porn I had downloaded that past Sunday for the week. It was my routine. Ten years in a relationship with him, we really only had sex on birthdays or a binge drinking weekend.

Shower jacking can be difficult keeping the mind focused and not accidently rubbing the skin off your dick. I usually have to break open the vault of memories: the kinkiest shit or let my imagination molest celebrities. Anything that would work and get me there in five minutes. Tiger Woods came to mind. Not him, cuz I don’t find him attractive at all, but I started thinking about the fairytale “Cinderella.” I was amazed how it was too damn similar to the “Bachelor” and “Flava of love.” A bunch of skunk hoes from the neighborhood show up at a mansion to fight for the rich guy’s wallet. I mean, does anyone believe that Prince Charming didn’t fuck at least twenty of those wannabe “clit” girls and a threesome with the evil step sisters. But, it’s a fairytale, so he had to marry the so called innocent blond. I can’t imagine how many rules Cinderella had. I don’t think many men jack off to Cinderella.

I got there. Very quick. Very dirty. I let the warm water wash away the sins. I was back to reality. I got ready for work in five minutes. I kissed my lover on the forehead and headed out the door. I had once less nutt to worry about that day.
Cuz. That’s what it’s about. That’s what it was all about. It was about how to keep its attention. It was about making it behave. It was about not thinking about sex for at least eight hours.

I love my dick. I love my dick more than I will ever love anyone in my life. My dick will never get married.

Once upon a time, three five year olds were taking an innocent bath. We had been doing it for years especially when my grandmother babysat. We were the same age, cousins, with parents that like the bar on weekends. One innocent Friday night, we were in the tub together, splashing each other with water, throwing around the floating toys. The phone rung and my grandmother ran to go get it. Suddenly, we were alone. It wasn’t like we hadn’t been alone before, but that night everything would change. My cousin Ray grabbed my cousin Denise in between her legs. He wanted to know where here pee-pee disappeared too. So I join in, Denise a wiling participate, eager to know if he had gone inside of her. So we started sticking our fingers down there, feeling for a string to pull to realize her penis. Or something. My grandmother walked back into the bathroom. Her face was almost as we were committing a murder. It was the yell that we immediately knew we had done something so wrong. But she wasn’t mad at the boys. She grabbed Denise and slapped her across the face. She then drag poor Denise in a room and beat her between her legs. We never took baths again together. Innocence was over. We had become aware of murder, pregnancy, marriage and divorce. We had become aware of a difference that would haunt us until the day we died. The dick. So I jack it off to tame it’s insanity.